In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
