My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
