Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
