Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
