you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
