i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize