That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
People with herpes should wear stickers.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
