I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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