i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize