I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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