The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
