I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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