Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
