just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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