i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
