I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
