You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dad just said "fuck circus"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
