Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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