Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
