My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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