it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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