When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
