i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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