I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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