community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I intend to get homeless drunk
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
