just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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