____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize