I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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