I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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