He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Everyone says I win the strip club
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
