i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
