I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
