the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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