Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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