im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize