I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we should paint friendship bongs
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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