...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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