I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
