Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
