then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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