I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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