True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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