New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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