I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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