Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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