from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
