I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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