I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize