It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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