When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Randomize
