it was like his penis was on wheels.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize