Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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