I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
