He asked to "fluff my boner.."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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