I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we should paint friendship bongs
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
