Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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