Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
