well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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