you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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